Parental Anecdotes: Floop Flakes


The Adventures of Floop and his trusty sidekick Agent Speckle continued tonight, though not without constant interruption from Matador. Oh, it can’t be that bad, Daniel, you say, as if you were somehow watching us through a camera hidden in the air conditioning vent, but it was. Here’s a little example of how the interruptions went, and I swear on the unparalleled beauty of Natalie Portman that this is as close to verbatim as humanly possible.

Me: “Once upon a time, Agent Speckle was…”

Matador: “What about Floop?”

Me: “You have to let me finish. So, Agent Speckle was…”

Matador: “But dad, what about Floop?”

Me: *thinking I’m smart* “Okay, so Floop was…”

Matador: “What about Agent Speckle?”

Me: *blood pooling in eyes* “Bud, I need you to stop interrupting. If you have a question, you need to raise your hand and then I’ll call on you.”

Matador: “Okay.”

Me: “Okay. Thank you. Now, once upon a time, Agent Speckle was eating a bowl of Floop Flakes.”

Matador: *raises hand*

Me: “Yes?”

Matador: “I’ve never eaten a bowl of Floop Flakes.”

Me: “Bud, that’s not a question.”

Matador: *slowly raises other hand*

Me: *sighs* “Yes?”

Matador: “Why have I never eaten a bowl of Floop Flakes?”

And scene.

That’s my kid, folks. He’s too smart, and I feel him closing the gap between us intellectually every day. Pretty soon, he’s going to be reading the books on my shelf and telling me how I’ve misinterpreted Lolita and House of Leaves. His taste in books will surpass mine any day now.

Don’t believe me? Here he is at school today reading erotica.

He’s my little sophisticate, and I couldn’t be prouder.

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